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Palin's Diary Discovered?

November 4, 2008 · 1 Comment

Editor’s Note: Earlier today, the Alaska bureau of HatePalin received a plain manila envelope containing a pink, leather-bound book engraved with the words “MY DIARY”. Handwriting and microfiber analysis lead us to believe that this is, in fact, the authentic diary of Gov. Sarah Palin. But in the spirit of unbiased analysis that is the hallmark of HatePalin, we invite you to be the judge.

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November 2, 2008 12:45a.m.

Dear Diary,

I can’t sleep, despite all the nice blue pills. First, the countdown clock is really ticking. Only two days to go! (Who would know how many hours that works out to – Kissinger?)

Second, it turns out you can see Mexico from Texas. Canada up top, Mexico on the bottom, water everywhere else. I may not be a foreign policy expert, but that means we are surrounded on all sides by foreigners.  John needs to go public with this, or I will.   Why don’t the newspapers report this kind of thing instead of whether I do or do not have the ethics to serve in public office?

Must find out if normal bullets are effective against Mexicans, or if we need silver bullets like for the Chinese.

Idea for where we put the non-American parts of America: Greenland.

Love You,

Sarah

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November 3, 2008. 10:30 a.m.

Dear Diary,

Just a quick note–the Big Night is tomorrow! I haven’t slept for 3 days! Thank God this campaign is almost over and I can finally get those McCain idiots out of my hair! If I needed 30 years of foreign policy trivia crammed into my head, I would have studied it in school! And isn’t that what ambassadors are for?!

BTW–had NO idea Henry Kissinger was a Jew.  Wondering if I offended him with that joke.  Shoot.

Oh! Remember to ask Cindy M. for different sleeping pills–but not the blue ones again! Don’t want to look like Cindy M. on election day (ha ha).  Lord knows, makeup can only do so much. Which reminds me, if that celebrity stylist comes near me again with her Autumn Kisses rouge, I’m going to unpack my Luger and go Alaska on her. The last time I checked, I wasn’t running for Whore in Chief.

Daily affirmation: *I am the Lord’s anointed champion*

Hugs and Stuff,

Sarah Barracuda

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November 3, 2008. 12:30 p.m.

Dear Diary,

Okay, the sourpuss mood around this plane is really starting to get on my nerves. Why do these people constantly talk about poll numbers? We know from scripture that miracles happen. And it’s not like we don’t know whose side God is on.

I’ve thought about it and here’s what came to me in a revelation last night. God could be doing the ol’ hockey fake out. He’s going to put that America-hating black man in the White House to give me a clear shot in 2012. Either that, or the end times are upon us.

Ooh! Staffers are coming around with mini cupcakes!

Gotta Run,

S.

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November 3, 2008. 8:30 p.m.

Dear Diary,

Did you know that women can be homosexuals, too? Uh oh, Cindy’s coming.

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November 4, 2008. 3:18 am

Dear Diary,

So worried. Worried about the future of our blessed nation. Worried for little Bristol. Where will we hide her when the race wars start? Room is spinning. I do not think these pills were good. I do not like them. I do not like them, Sam I Am. I do not like Triazolam.

Smooshes,

Princess Palin

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November 4, 2008. 10:00am

Dear Diary,

First, the bad news: the Federal Election people will not give me a do-over. Rats! Whatever Ralph Nader gets, subtract it by one.

On to the good news. Todd has a sledding buddy/released murderer pal up in Prudhomme Bay who says he can help us out with Operation Sudden Promotion. Actually, we had to change the name because Todd kept forgetting what it meant. Now we are calling it Operation There’s Only Room For One Maverick In The White House. I wonder how long I have to wait to make it really convincing and believable?

One last thing. Did you know they let *anyone* vote? I just can’t wait to start bringing some Wasilla common sense to this country.

Bye For Now,

S

Categories: McCain · Palin · Palintology · Politics
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1 response so far ↓

  • isis // November 4, 2008 at 3:20 pm | Reply

    omg that’s the funniest thing i’ve read in a very long time – you should make this into a series, and then i want the film rights

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