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Be the Best Sarah Palin Ever

October 31, 2008 · Leave a Comment

With Halloween falling right before a historic presidential election, politically inspired decorations are everywhere. Just step outside and you’ll see partisan animus carved into jack-o-lanterns, worked into yard tableaus, and projected onto hanging effigies by enthusiasts of all stripes.

No surprise–in the costume department, Sarah Palin is the clear frontrunner.

Of course if you’re lazy or a last-minute shopper, you can simply modify a drug-store ghoul mask and go as John McCain. But that’s just plain boring–and scary. So for the more motivated readers out there, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a few pointers in the event you’d like to impress your neighbors with a homemade Sarah Palin costume.

  1. First, you’ll need a brightly colored skirt-suit. Make sure it’s monochrome! No fanciful (liberal) patterns. Try a thrift store near a retirement community or a local PTA office.
  2. Next, take up the skirt 3 or 4 inches, and accessorize with a second-hand brooch (American flag or elephant if possible), a pair of hooker heels, and bright lipstick.
  3. Save precious American dollars by repurposing that up-do wig from last year’s sexy teacher, sexy librarian or sexy witch costume.
  4. The signature rimless eye wear is going to be tough (Sarah Palin knockoffs are sold out everywhere). I suggest checking Home Depot for a pair of plastic safety glasses.
  5. To bring this costume alive you’ll need to practice winking after every fourth word and using a variety of random catch-phrases such as “Washington elite” “without preconditions” “bad guys” and “palling around with terrorists.” Be as hostile as possible in your delivery.
  6. Practice your Miss America wave–elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist.
  7. Carry with you a homemade Palin rally poster that looks like it was scrawled by a third-grader. For extra fun, write on the back “I’ll be in charge of the senate!”
  8. Finally, find a plastic rifle to sling over your shoulder, and force your child (or any child) to accompany you dressed as either a moose or wolf.

And voila! You’re ready to go toe-to-toe with all the other maverick reformers at your costume party. Dressed like a bona-fide political babe, you may even score a date!

Categories: Palin · Palintology · Politics
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Sarah's Gone Off the Reservation

October 26, 2008 · 1 Comment

Author:  RJ

This is what we’ve all been waiting for. In the final days of the campaign, with McCain-Palin down on its luck, the ticket explodes.

CNN reports that Sarah Palin has “gone rogue.” She’s going off message, holding impromptu news conferences and contradicting some of McCain’s positions. I can only imagine the horror of McCain advisors as they watch their own little Eliza Doolittle shrug off her handlers and pursue an agenda of her own. (2012 presidential bid anyone?)

McCain advisors can no longer manage Palin whom they describe as a “diva” who “won’t take advice from anyone.” Palin sources claim that she’s frustrated with the way her contact with the media has been handled. In particular, she’s peeved about McCain press advisers denying her day-to-day access to the media and forcing her into two high-profile interviews that became legendary grist for comedy routines.

But really, what choice did the McCain camp have? In the interviews, Palin came off horribly despite all of the intense pre-interview briefing. One can only imagine how much worse she’d do in extemporaneous press interviews.  Referring to efforts to prepare Palin, one McCain source has said that “her lack of fundamental understanding of some key issues was dramatic,” and one the biggest challenges they’ve ever faced.

It’s no surprise that infighting and recriminations have begun as the McCain ship continues to sink. But the fact that these internecine squabbles have gone public suggests the campaign is already viewing a McCain loss as a foregone conclusion.

With defeat looming, Palin is not only biting the hand that fed her, but apparently tearing what’s left of it to shreds. But this is exactly what you get when you dress up a Pit Bull and thrust it onto the national political stage–with or without lipstick.

Categories: McCain · Palin · Politics
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Hooray for Tina Fey

October 17, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Contributed by RJ

***

Sarah Palin is sliding in the polls.

Have voters finally seen through her phony reformer shtick? Or should we thank Tina Fey for highlighting the candidate’s finer qualities?

Recent polls reveal that Sarah’s numbers took a tumble following Fey’s parodies on Saturday Night Live. While this is an encouraging development, it says a lot about our current political culture. We live in a nation where sketch comedy has the power to influence a presidential election.

Here’s what I’d like to ask the people in that polling sample: “Really? You thought Sarah Palin was a reasonable choice until you saw Tina Fey impersonate her on Saturday Night Live?”

In an intriguing yet predictable twist, it looks like Palin will be appearing alongside Tina Fey on this week’s SNL. She told Neal Boortz in an interview that she hasn’t seen a script yet and has no idea what’s in store for her. If that’s true and the Palin campaign has agreed to an appearance “without preconditions,” the SNL writers are going to have a field day.

It’s an interesting gamble. Palin and her campaign want to neutralize the damage Fey has done by showing that Palin can take a joke. It their gamble pays off, she’ll come away looking more likable. If it doesn’t, well, let’s just say it’ll be one of the best life-imitating-art moments in the history of political satire.

Categories: Palin · Palintology · Politics
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Real Americans Don't Travel

October 15, 2008 · Leave a Comment

This post was written by Contributor RJ:

***

There is arguably no bigger symbol of the American culture wars than Sarah “I can field dress a moose” Palin. As we’ve seen, she is quick to play the populist card at every opportunity, from extolling the virtues of small town America to blasting the “media elite” after she stumbles during interviews.

For Palin–and the architects of her campaign–America is divided neatly into those who bowl on Friday nights and those who head to the latest wine bar. It’s pickup trucks versus Saabs. Wal-Mart versus Whole Foods. God-fearing versus Godless.

Palin’s common-man chauvinism is unapologetic. We first heard it during her acceptance speech when she made it clear that if you didn’t own a firearm, a filling station or a tractor, she wasn’t going to court your vote.

Given her attitude, it should come as no surprise that in her now legendary interview with Katie Couric she suggested that people who travel abroad are also somehow part of the cultural elite.

When Couric questioned Palin about why she only just received a passport last year, the governor offered the following response:

I’m not one of those who maybe came from a background of, you know, kids who perhaps graduate college and their parents give them a passport and give them a backpack and say go off and travel the world. No, I’ve worked all my life. In fact, I usually had two jobs all my life until I had kids. I was not a part of, I guess, that culture.

Translation: Traveling to another country (when not required by military service) is an extravagance for spoiled, liberal, college brats. Real Americans stay home and work.

As someone who did a fair amount of third-class travel back in the day, I can attest that it doesn’t take a lot of money to see the world–just an interest in other cultures.

Palin’s excuse for never leaving the country is another example of the reverse-snobbism that has come to characterize the Republican Party–a party that, ironically, benefits the people who travel first-class on their parents’ tab.

But here’s why Palin’s disinterest in traveling abroad really matters. In a world that is increasingly interconnected, it’s absolutely critical that we elect an administration capable of working with other nations. And visiting one or two of them seems like a reasonable prerequisite for the job. Based on what we’ve seen and heard, it’s unlikely that Palin possesses either the knowledge or the openness necessary to deal with our allies, much less our adversaries. Her campaign performance to date suggests she doesn’t even have what it takes to deal with the other, latte-sipping half of America.

Categories: Palin · Palintology · Politics
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